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26 October 2009 @ 02:09 am
Dear Ethan,

I'm sorry I started puking again.
And I'm sorry I didn't tell you about it.
I'm sorry I saw blood in my puke and started crying because I was scared and almost told you but I didn't.
I'm sorry I haven't eaten in 3 days.
I'm sorry you love me as much as you do, even though I'm so fucked up and you think I'm better.
I'm not better.
I was never better.
I'm sorry I can't see the beauty you see in me.
I'm sorry my heart flutters, like I'm going to have a heart attack, but I still take those pills.
I'm sorry I untag pictures of us together, because I don't want people to see what a cow your girlfriend is.
I'm sorry about that fake tanner. I know you hate it, but its the only thing that covers the stretchmarks on my stomach. I don't want to know if you notice them. How could you not notice them?
I'm sorry I can't be the person I say I am.
I love you so fucking much.
If I loved myself a fourth as much as I love you...
I wish things could be different.
I'm sorry you'll never read this letter.

26 August 2009 @ 02:52 am
Is anyone actually happy being fat?????????????
Yes, that needed that many question marks.
I just want to be happy.
But It's like....I wasn't happy being thin. And I am especially unhappy being fat. What's the answer?
There is no middle ground for me, I know that.
I'm a fuck up.
It's like, at least when you're thin and fucked up people put up with your bullshit long enough to get in your pants.
What do they do when you're fat?
Nothing. You're the sassy friend they keep around to make them look better.
I don't think I'll go back to ana. Or mia.
Fuck eds.
I'm not going to make any plans.
I'm just going to forget about indulgence.
Food is tasteless to people who can't feel.
26 August 2009 @ 02:34 am
So my sister and I have a long history.
Long story short, she was a thin child, I was a fat child.
She hit puberty and got fat, I hit puberty and got ana.
After being in college for 3 years I decided the get "better"
better meaning fat, because that is what my body wants to be naturally. fucking lame.
Anyway, I've since been yo yoing back and forth between thin and fat trying to figure out what the fuck makes me happy.
My boyfriend likes me the way I am (fat)
but I know if I lose him, no one else is attracted to me (I should be thin)
but my sister, oh love of my life made up my mind for me.
Tonight, (at 2:30 am) I had been drinking with her and hadn't eaten since noon.
I told her I was "starving" and wanted some of the leftovers our mother had bought at a restaurant.
She told me I couldn't have them, they were HERS. I got mad and called her selfish. I said that if she were starving and wanted my food I would let her have them. My fault. Poor choice of words.
She looked at my stomach and said, "Well, you're not STARVING."
I laughed.
I really did.
I laughed so hard.
I've been waiting for something like this.
A trigger.
I'm so terribly prone to triggers.
No, I certainly am not starving. But I will be.
11 May 2008 @ 08:36 pm
06 May 2008 @ 12:24 am
I was thinking about doing that salt cleanse thing
and I found out some weird stuff about salt.

Salt is necessary for your intestines to absorb food material,
so then I think,
Cut out the salt and loose weight???

But then I also read that the number one cause of double chins and poofy faces
is the lack of salt, because your glands start secreting extra saliva.

Anyway. Thats confusing.
I just....need more focus.

I like how I had a TON of homework to do tonight,
and instead I spent ALL my time researching calorie content
and fucking laxatives.
04 May 2008 @ 11:27 pm
So, I thought I was doing ok.
until I saw the pictures of me from my sister's birthday party.

I'm gonna be home in like 2 weeks.
I can't look like this.
So pretty much NEED to fast till then.

My plan is to just eat ice ALL the time
that way my mouth is too busy to eat real food.

If I'm forced to eat, broccoli baby!

5 day fast. If I make that, I'm thinking six...then seven...

(All I have to do is think of deja)

I WILL BE THIN!!!!!!!!!
03 May 2008 @ 02:21 am
2:21 AM
high on coke.
should be writing my paper.
I'm not.
The only thing I have to look forward to
is getting dressed up tomorrow for my sister's birthday.

You know its bad when you're sitting in a car downtown
forcing yourself to puke out the car door
because you can't handle the fact
that you might have pizza AND alcohol.

I hate talking about it.
I always get drunk and talk about it.
and everyone laughs
because it's a weird thing to admit
and they half think you're joking
because you're laughing too
and you change the subject
but you're not joking
and they know you're not
and they think you're weird for bringing it up.

I know I'm weird.

I was going to stay in tonight and write my paper.
I really was.
But then I ate pizza.
and puked
and got Trops.
and then I went to a bar
because my friends wanted to
and I wanted to
because it was better than sitting in my room
playing guitar
and avoiding my paper.
then I did a couple lines
and danced a couple songs
and came back

I fixed the "du" on every Maurier.
That's it.
And here I am again.

This is my life.
and I'm okay with that.
01 May 2008 @ 07:19 pm
so it's official.
All I do is sleep
go to this website
and do homework.
Everyone used to tell me I'm killing myself
but they don't say it anymore
because I'm already dead.

Breakfast: aspirin

Lunch: " I already ate," with a side of diet coke

Dinner: Caffiene pills and homework.

but I'm down 3 lbs.
and that's the happiest news I've heard all week.
29 April 2008 @ 12:52 am
Is it sick
that I'm so excited about living off campus next year
because I won't have a meal plan
and I won't buy food
and I can just quietly starve?
I'm so excited
it's sick.
I know it is.
But I know I never want to stop.
I NEED this.
27 April 2008 @ 03:02 am
I can't stand myself anymore.
I'm such a cow.
I look in the mirror
I know what I COULD be
what I'm denying myself
for what?
For a moment of taste?
that ends in days of regret?

Fuck it.
Food isn't worth it.
I'm better than that.

I'm going to show everyone
that I'm not worthless.

They said I was nothing.
Well, I'll be nothing.

They won't be laughing when I'm perfect.